the telephone

THE TELEPHONE

It was a night before that night—a dark and ugly night. The day had been a long and weary one. And now the night…My wife, as was her wont, had gone off to sleep, turning on the ogher side. I think I had wished her goodnight in a whisper. So softly, that she couldn’t even hear it. So gently, that only I was witness to my words…Yes, I had whispered goodnight to her and probably even given her a goodnight kiss….I had even hugged my two year old sleeping nearby. Before that, that is before going to bed I had even thanked my wife, out of habit, for the grey shirt she had bought me. What a pity! I detest grey and my wife hasn’t discovered this in the five years we’ve been married. But she had bought the shirt nevertheless and I had to express my gratitude. I did, and resting my head on the pillow, I lay down.
“Thanks honey. You…at least thought of a new shirt for me. No matter how old a man gets, a new garment always gives him a new feeling. I’ll wear it tomorrow. Positively tomorrow…to the office.”
My wife got bored with this meaningless blabber, turned the other way and fell asleep. I had spoilt one whole day for this night. What all

Translated by Naila Anjum
I had planned! But the fault lies in planning. Once we make op our minds about something, we are crippled. Because words complete their lesson as they jump around within our minds. And when they are required to recall the lesson, they are unable to do so.
Today, I had spent whole morning in daydreaming. In speculation. And in thought which had long ceased to enter my mind….
“Good morning. Do you remember something?” Earlier, your sweet, melodious voice used to wake me up. Your tapering fingers would run through my hair. Suddenly, flowers of heaving breath bloomed on your face and a faint scent came riding on the breath… the bangles tinkled on your wrists and some of them, when they cracked in the beautiful moments of our lovemaking, reminded us of their presence.
A morning of this kind, some empty fragrant day, some such cheerful afternoon of evening drenched in melody, beautiful night… I had really forgotten.
My mood was ruined today early morning. A rat died near the bathroom. To expect any energy from my wife was useless. Even after removing the dead mouse away from the house, the terrible stench lingered in the air. And with the smell I began to brood. The train of ideas created a riot in my head and heart.
Just one mouse! Just one mouse is enough to spoil a day?
Probably. But what would you have talked to her about?
Oh I haven’t thought about it. Maybe about days past, all those moments which were lovely, beautiful, graceful, and sparkling.
I have locked them up in some attaché of suitcase and sunk them into oblivion.
Then go and open it.
It’s not that easy.
Then keep quiet. Make a compromise. Let the creeper of life grow unhindered. It’ll grow old and wither away, it’ll fall off.
No, it’s a painful experience. More hurtful and horrible than the announcement of the death of the mouse.
So?
I haven’t laughed for days. Really, it has been ages since I laughed heartily.
Earlier you used to do a lot of thing, remember?
In front of the house there was a row of naked eucalyptus trees. The ground was brown, strewn with damp and dead leaves. If there were mountains around, if one could see the dazzling pearl. Like snow on the peaks. Foolish and sentimental. Sheer emotionalism.
Earlier I did many things that had to do with emotions. Then too this fragile girl existed. In an effort to make my eyes more and more attractive…. How stupid I used to look, only she can tell, but back then she didn’t speak. She only smiled gently.
“You’re looking great!”
“Me!”
The song of rivers filled my face became as fresh as a waterfall. There were many such occasions when we flowed without any rhyme of reason. We burst into laughter without any apparent cause, we became exuberant for nothing at all.
Back then, we were as excited and carefree as the mountains. We were as naïve and innocent as children, as stylish as flowers, and blooming like them too. Then we used to laugh genuinely. We ran like waterfalls.
Then we were in love.
Then the seasons were not as dry, the air was not so heavy, the nights were not so dark and ugly. The days were not so sad and hot. Then we did not argue, we did not get upset with serious talk. We were alive then, we made merry, we stayed happy, and our faces were always sunny.
And we used to smile with or without any reason. We used to laugh, whether there was an occasion for it or not.
I haven’t laughed for days. I must laugh. It has been ages since I have rejoiced.
Today the whole day, a day before the dark and ugly night, I kept doing this. That is, I spent the whole day looking for the happiness meant for me.
Today was eventful. For instance, early in the morning, I loudly called out to my wife on seeing the dead mouse.
“Look an elephant has died here.”
My wife came, holding her nose and looking anxious. Just then, the tumbler made of bone china dropped from Somi’s hands and the shards dispersed on the floor.
She looked at me accusingly, with anger. I picked up a stick and said jokingly, “I’ll bid farewell to it with arms.”
“Go and throw it away.” She was acting crazy. “look here, Somi is crying. For god’s sake console him. But no, first ….oh! I can’t stand the smell. For god’s sake…”
She repeated “for god’s sake” twice and slapping Somi angrily, she dragged him inside.
I concentrated. Somi was howling inside and her angry outbursts could be heard outside. I thought about myself-my languorous voice carried a sleepy laughter that was like the fading smell of a wilting flower.
No. Before leaving for office, I wasn’t pleased at all. Over the last two to three years I have been going out in silence, grief welling up inside me. As usual, I stepped out of the house.
The seat next to mine in the office is james’s. on reaching my desk, I got furious to see the file on the desk covered with millions of crawling ants.
“have you organized a feast for the ants?” james asked me with a smile.
“How did the ants come here?”
“You have invited them yourself,” james was laughing, “I didn’t ask the peon to clear your desk so that you could make full arrangement for the ants feast.”
Stupid james. I felt a pang of envy. How heartily he could laugh.
No, these moments are a gift to me…perhaps to laugh and feel happy. I must laugh. “Why james, don’t you think their party should be lavish?”
I poured some water into the glass from the jug kept on the table. Then I lifted the ants off the file with a pen and slowed started putting them in the glass.
“What are you doing?” james asked in astonishment.
“I’m helping them reach their destination. They are looking for some spiritual system, don’t you think? Why are you making a face james? Don’t you agree with me?” perhaps[s there was a smile on my face. “Don’t you think that the entire universe could be mere nothingness to them, and they could be moving towards that negation of existence, crawling on the files?”
“No you are wrong,” james quickly lunged towards me. He snatched away the file and kept it aside. “ No, jokes apart, they will die.” There was an innocent anguish in his face. “You are terminating their lives, which you shouldn’t be doing.”
I noticed a hint of pensiveness in his voice. I thought for a while. Even I wasn’t too happy. Probably there was some terrible misunderstanding. For a while I kept quiet, head lowered.
“What’s the matter?” james interrupted my reverie.
“Nothing. I’m just feeling bored.”
“If you’re getting distracted, go home.”
“Yes, I’m going.”
While returning home, that stupid scene kept leaping on to my mind like flames. The ants floating in the glass, breathing their last.
Why did I do so?
Why indeed!
I don’t know. Just watching the army of ants I felt they must be tired. They’d feel relaxed if released into water. They’d dance a little, whirl around a bit and then I’d bring them back on dry surface, their sojourn completed. And after drying themselves, they’d go home. But they died.
You are downright evil. Today you’ve committed too many murders.
The earth was spitting fire. The hot flames of the sun were baking the body like an oven. I reached home after spending a very hot heavy, listless day in the office. And of be honest, the whole rite of laughter was left incomplete. That day I couldn’t laugh. Lassitude clung to me even after my wife had returned home in the evening. But the train of thoughts was still moving on. Once again…after all it has been ages since we met. Even while having tea or eating dinner with my wife and son, I couldn’t laugh my share with them. My wife had bought the shirt on her way back from the office. The grey shirt.
Thus, one died early in the morning the next day, Somi did not drop a bone china tumbler. That day both of us had permission to go out. I tried several times to say something to her at every favourable opportunity, listen honey, today with you… after years…no! Do you remember the last time we laughed? In the zoo, no in the children’s park while eating ice creams. No, I have to rack y brains hard. It has been days. Nome of us laugh…let us try it some day for a change. Let us laugh a little.
She was perturbed, burdened with clothes and other things. Waving her bag, she disappeared with her problems.
Doesn’t matter, I consoled myself. She will come back in the evening. And before that, I have to ponder over the many reasons for laughter. What is it that can make me laugh and what is it that can make her happy-some lovely, ridiculous incident listening to which she’ll forget herself and burst into laughter? What is it that she likes? Something by looking at which she becomes happy? Bangles…no, she does not wear them now. Jewellery perhaps…no, now she does not even like jewellery. Since she has started earning her own money, she is not interested in any such thing.
What if I tidy the whole house…and when she comes back she finds the food already cooked….and the kitchen sparkling clean…no, these things are commonplace. Such acts pleased her earlier, but now…
What if I tell her a joke, some funny anecdote, an interesting event of some news of the neighbourhood…no, even these things will not elicit more than a nod from her.
The hot summer sun was hovering angrily over all the avenues of entertainment. No, I must tell her that we haven’t grown so old that even after belonging to each other we can’t be fellow travelers. Does it look good? What is it that has happened between us? So much harshness, bitterness, insipidity…so much silence. Can’t we bridge this gap? No, it’s all right….we have to stay alive. Everyone gone on like this… this truth comes before everyone at least once in a lifetime. But I have never ever thought about this truth in such a manner. No, never, I could never imagine…I only dreamt. In my dreams golden shadows had floated….I dreamt of myriad cities. I watched flying horses in dreams. On those horses two hands beckoned me. They made magic signs to me. I have always been a dreamer….always a dreamer…how could I become like this?
No, I must change. I have to make an effort to laugh. With Somi, with her. Let’s go out. No. she will not refuse right away but even if she consents, a sleepy heaviness will stay with her, then, we will return not nothing will happen. Nothing that would feel like a puff of exhilarating breeze.
This was the very night for which all these preparations had been made. She came back from the office. I had returned before her. She threw her bag on the bed and entered the kitchen as soon as arrived.
“What’s the matter?”
“The ants….”
“What…”
Before I could express my surprise, she remarked. “Nothing. There are ants in the sugar. These disgusting creatures have a way of settling down permanently on sweet things as if….”
“ A way of setting down…” The thought was amusing to me.
She was extremely serious. “In this season lots of ants come. Why? Because of the heat? No matter how tightly one keeps the lid closed, the ants…”
Someone was murmuring inside me. Whispering or laughing…this whole universe is nothingness to them, moving towards their destination of non-existence, sometimes in files, sometimes in cans of sugar…
“Did you say something?”
“No..” I murmured, trying to examine myself. She got up to change her clothes. The whole day passed with its dullness, and the night approached.
I heard her footfalls. She had come in after switching off the lights outside Somi had fallen asleep.
“You haven’t slept till now?” She was smiling.
I saw her smile and was taken aback. My face tried to put on different expressions but could not muster a single one.
“What’s the matter? Oh yes, I forgot to tell you” She gradually moved forward and sat on the bed. There was a special kind of glow on her face. My heart was beating aloud.
“Have you any idea what it could be? Guess.” She was testing me.
“No,” I said after thinking really hard. I couldn’t guess. “Why don’t you tell me?”
She got up to switch off the lights. Then she looked at me with a smile. “I forget to tell you. We’ve got the telephone connection…”
She switched off the lights. I couldn’t see her expression. But she was saying, “Now listen, you shouldn’t keep yourself hooked to the phone,” while turning on my side. There was a hint of disapproval in my voice too, “Why should I be hooked to it? There would be more calls for you.”